You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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