walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
