Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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