I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
