Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
