dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
