mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
