when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize