I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
