My friends, they love my intelligence
I feel like abortions should bother me more
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
