i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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