I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
