where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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