Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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