The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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