I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
