News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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