Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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