Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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