I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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