Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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