I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
