He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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