I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
