who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
