I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize