You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
