I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
