Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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