And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're a waste of cheezeits
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
