Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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