I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
