I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize