Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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