she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
