I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
