finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
