The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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