All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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