I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize