Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The best revenge is premature balding
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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