I wish I could teleport
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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