dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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