oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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