I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
