my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
