I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
