I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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