Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
