After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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