ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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