I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
