i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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