Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
