Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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