We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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