i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
