mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
