I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
