you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
