I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
