I'm going to jail i love you
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
