She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
