Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
