Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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