Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
did i walk over a car last night?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
