if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
