He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
