After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
