while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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