my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
