I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
