If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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