My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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