normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
