If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
